A 

ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence
of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when
addressing an employer.

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside
from molesting the rubbish inside.

ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the
high temperature of the throne.

  Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication

  Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.

  For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:

  She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.

  To History she'll be no royal riddle --

  Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

G.J.

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with
sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient
faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at
the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence
for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a
free hand in the world's marketing the race would become
graminivorous.

ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of
the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the
last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high
degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is
rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and
conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be
detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the
straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.
Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and
the hope of Hell.

ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a
newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

ABRACADABRA.

  By Abracadabra we signify

      An infinite number of things.

  'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?

  And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby

      The Truth (with the comfort it brings)

  Is open to all who grope in night,

  Crying for Wisdom's holy light.

  Whether the word is a verb or a noun

      Is knowledge beyond my reach.

  I only know that 'tis handed down.

          From sage to sage,

          From age to age --

      An immortal part of speech!

  Of an ancient man the tale is told

  That he lived to be ten centuries old,

      In a cave on a mountain side.

      (True, he finally died.)

  The fame of his wisdom filled the land,

  For his head was bald, and you'll understand

      His beard was long and white

      And his eyes uncommonly bright.

  Philosophers gathered from far and near

  To sit at his feat and hear and hear,

          Though he never was heard

          To utter a word

      But "Abracadabra, abracadab,

          Abracada, abracad,

      Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"

          'Twas all he had,

  'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each

  Made copious notes of the mystical speech,

          Which they published next --

          A trickle of text

  In the meadow of commentary.

      Mighty big books were these,

      In a number, as leaves of trees;

  In learning, remarkably -- very!

          He's dead,

          As I said,

  And the books of the sages have perished,

  But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.

  In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,

  Like an ancient bell that forever swings.

          O, I love to hear

          That word make clear

  Humanity's General Sense of Things.

Jamrach Holobom

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

      When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for

  people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of

  mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel

  them to the separation.

Oliver Cromwell

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-
shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most
affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another
author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the
property of another.

  Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;

  The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

Phela Orm

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;
hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection
of another.

  To men a man is but a mind. Who cares

  What face he carries or what form he wears?

  But woman's body is the woman. O,

  Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,

  But heed the warning words the sage hath said:

  A woman absent is a woman dead.

Jogo Tyree

ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to
remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is
one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases
the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them
having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's
power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,
which are governed by chance.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from
everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the
affairs of others.

  Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought

      You a total abstainer, my son."

  "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught --

      "But not, sir, a bigoted one."

G.J.

ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with
one's own opinion.

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were
taught.

ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME]   A modern school where football is
taught.

ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable
natural laws.

ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty
knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal,
knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the
matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one
having offered them a fee for assenting.

ACCORD, n. Harmony.

ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an
assassin.

ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

  "My accountability, bear in mind,"

      Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes,"

  Said the Shah: "I do -- 'tis the only kind

      Of ability you possess."

Joram Tate

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a
justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who
absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar
had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de
Joinville.

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's
faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight
when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or
famous.

ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in
solicitate of gold.

ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding
funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects
to get.

ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to
receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of
straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the
figure-head does the thinking.

ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.

ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.

  Consigned by way of admonition,

  His soul forever to perdition.

Judibras

ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly.

ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.

  "The man was in such deep distress,"

  Said Tom, "that I could do no less

  Than give him good advice." Said Jim:

  "If less could have been done for him

  I know you well enough, my son,

  To know that's what you would have done."

Jebel Jocordy

AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for
another and bitter world.

AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.

AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that
we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the
enterprise to commit.

AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors
-- to dislodge the worms.

AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.

  "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?"

      She tenderly inquired.

  "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife;

      The fact is -- I have fired."

G.J.

AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
the fattening of the poor.

ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving
with a pretence of open marauding.

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the
Christian, Jewish, and so forth.

  Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept,

  And ever for the sins of man have wept;

      And sometimes kneeling in the temple I

  Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.

Junker Barlow

ALLEGIANCE, n.

  This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,

  Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,

  Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed

  To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.

G.J.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they
cannot separately plunder a third.

ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to
the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus
says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces
crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the
other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a
sawrian.

ALONE, adj. In bad company.

  In contact, lo! the flint and steel,

  By spark and flame, the thought reveal

  That he the metal, she the stone,

  Had cherished secretly alone.

Booley Fito

ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the
small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination
and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used,
except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a
male and a female tool.

  They stood before the altar and supplied

  The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.

  In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim

  An offering burnt with an unholy flame.

M.P. Nopput

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
or a left.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would
be too expensive to punish.

ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.

  As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,

  So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.

Judibras

ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.

  The flabby wine-skin of his brain

  Yields to some pathologic strain,

  And voids from its unstored abysm

  The driblet of an aphorism.

"The Mad Philosopher," 1697

APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle
only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient
to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor
and grave worm's provider.

  When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,

  And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,

  That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth

  Disease for the apothecary's health,

  Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:

  "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"

G.J.

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a
solution to the labor question.

APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude.

APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a
bishop.

  If I were a jolly archbishop,

  On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up --

  Salmon and flounders and smelts;

  On other days everything else.

Jodo Rem

ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft
of your money.

ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman
wrestles with his record.

ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word
is obsolete; so is that kind of government.)  Fellows that wear downy
hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank
accounts.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a
blacksmith.

ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter
hanged to a lamppost.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

  God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

The Unauthorized Version

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom
it greatly affects in turn.

  "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,"

      Consenting, he did speak up;

  "'Tis better you should eat it, pet,

      Than put it in my teacup."

Joel Huck

ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as
follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.

  One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? --

  Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,

  And said it was a god's name! Straight arose

  Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,

  And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,

  And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)

  To serve his temple and maintain the fires,

  Expound the law, manipulate the wires.

  Amazed, the populace that rites attend,

  Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,

  And, inly edified to learn that two

  Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)

  Have sweeter values and a grace more fit

  Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,

  Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,

  And sell their garments to support the priests.

ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by
long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased
to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.

ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which
one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia
City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,
and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously
celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and
country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this
noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib.
II., De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a
god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we
may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two
animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of
men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers
the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written
about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and
magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which
clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all
literature is more or less Asinine.

  "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing;

  "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!"

  Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:

  God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"

G.J.

AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked
a pocket with his tongue.

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and
commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate
dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an
island.

AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal
regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by
a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have
suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however,
has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.

  Facilis descensus Averni,

      The poet remarks; and the sense

  Of it is that when down-hill I turn I

      Will get more of punches than pence.

Jehal Dai Lupe

Next